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My wifes constant nagging is stressing me out

Question: My wife and I have been married for many years and have a 4-year-old kid. We have never had a happy relationship, and things have reached a point where both of our families do not talk to each other, nor do we talk to our in-laws. We do not even have any family friends whom we can rely on to help us. Basically, there is no trust and love in our relation and there are constant arguments (details would probably make this email too long).

I am not trying to make a point on who is at fault here, but just that it's only me trying to sort out the situation.

I have tried various means to see how we can improve - by being patient and also asking my wife for to visit a marriage counsellor, but she does not agree. I myself visited alone to see if I can get some advice but after few sessions, the therapist felt it cannot improve without my wife's participation. Additionally, I have asked my wife that what is the point of constantly fighting in front of our son, and it is only getting worse. I have suggested living separately (without divorce) but she does not agree. I have even suggested divorce but she does not agree to that too. I also suggested her to communicate frequently (like every day, for 20 minutes) on issues from the day, in a calm environment, when like our son is sleeping etc, but she is not willing to even do that.

I am not able to concentrate on anything in this constant stressful environment filled with negative energy and argument. I am getting extremely stressed and want to do something about the situation. Where can I go, how can I have her talk positively instead of constant sarcasm? I am contemplating moving out of the house.

Are there any suggestions? I will really appreciate. -Anonymous
Answer by Dr Rachna K Singh: I can totally understand your frustration and stress. You certainly are going through a tough phase in life, which has been going on since a long time. Before I start, I would like to congratulate you for the efforts you have been making to sort out things between you and your wife. Most of us go through rough patches in our lives, but what helps us sustain through theses dark roads is our inner strength. I appreciate your willingness and openness to seek help through a third party (counsellor). In your case, keeping in mind your wife's unwillingness to work on the relationship, I would like you to directly ask her what she is looking at. Direct communication may help at this juncture, you may have tried this before but you may consider re-asking her once.

Further, I would suggest that you start working individually on yourself alongside. The current situation at home is clearly taking a toll on you; hence, I would recommend you to start practising some amount of meditation and exercise. You could also re-connect with a few people or find a support system to share your daily stressors. Identify ways, which have helped you in the past to de-stress and start practising them again whether it's involving yourself in an old hobby like music. Finally, I would like you to introspect a little and understand that how could you be contributing to your troubled relationship, and find ways to resolve them. Seeking counselling for one's individual growth may also be a good idea.

- Dr. Rachna Khanna Singh is heading the Department of Holistic Medicine & Wellness at Artemis Health Institute, Gurgaon & is a Relationship, Lifestyle, & Stress Management Expert.