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The Super Power Of First Love: How Mothers Should Deal With Their Teenagers?

The time from our childhood through adolescence plays a crucial role in helping us become who we are today. It is in this time that we meet our very ‘first love’, our ‘teenage sweethearts’ and the most important of all the ‘chaddi buddies’ with whom we share a few of the most horrible and embarrassing yet wonderful moments of our lives and the bond that we share with them always remains special. However, when children are young, parents may regard such relationships as being insignificant.  Even more criticized and belittled by many parents is a teenager’s love for a boyfriend or a girlfriend. 

"Oh, that's just puppy love."

"You'll get over it; it's just infatuation"

"I know exactly how you feel; I was a teenager once."

 "You're too immature to really be in love. Your sole focus right now should be on your studies”

These are some of the statements that we have all heard as teenagers and we have all hated to hear our parents make such comments.

Wyndol Furman and Laura Shaffer regard the formation of romantic relationships to be one of the most important developmental tasks of adolescence and these relationships have significant implications for health and adjustment. According to them, romantic relationships during adolescence play an important role in shaping the general course of development. In particular, adolescents face a series of tasks that include the development of an identity, the transformation of family relationships, the development of close relations with peers, the development of sexuality and scholastic achievement and career planning. Romantic relationships, according to them, play an important role in each of these key developmental tasks.

Parents often doubt the ability of teenagers to understand the true meaning of love yet they expect them to understand the love that they as parents have for their children. They view teenage love as being a distraction and consider their teenage children to be too immature to handle such relationships without neglecting the other more ‘important’ spheres of life such as school work and academics.

Today, the age of puberty has dropped, marrying a first love is considered rare and teenagers date more for fun or to be better accepted by their peers. However, the significance of the first love experience is no less powerful than it was in the 1940's. Parents and adults often undermine the strength of a bond, attraction and commitment or the impact of the loss of a first love and may sometimes also forget their experiences as a teenager such as the feelings of excitement on talking to a crush or the rush of catching their first love looking at them or the tragedy that entailed their first break up. They may even sometimes try to comfort their teenage children with lighthearted lessons or jokes by making comments such as “There are never too many fish in the sea”.

In a survey conducted by Dr. Nancy Kalish of 1600 people ranging from 18 to 92 years of age (who had never tried a reunion with a lost love), she found that 56% of the participants said they would not want to go back to their first loves, 19% were not sure -- but 25% said they would. Even the adults who had no current interest in their first loves, including those who had only bitter memories, revealed that these early romances influenced their life-long attitudes about love, and even about themselves.

Tips on how to deal with teenage romance

-Do not ridicule your child. Irrespective of how unrealistic or inappropriate a relationship may seem to you, your child’s feelings are real and should be respected.

-Establishing trust and facilitating communication is most important otherwise your child may become secretive about the current relationship as well as future relationships.

-It is important to discuss with your child what is important about dating and the bottom line when it comes to the kind of person your child can be involved with.

-It is necessary to keep a watchful eye regarding curfew and honesty in terms of where your child is going, with whom and what they are doing.

-If you have enough reason to believe that the relationship has gone too far or if the relationship has started to interfere with other life activities, you must step in. However, it is imperative to approach such a situation in a very gentle manner. You could start with discussing the benefits of finding a balance in a relationship. You might have to set some limits on telephone or internet time, or you could also highlight the importance of spending time with a variety of friends.

-Appreciate your teenager’s efforts to maintain a balance among all spheres of life and try to enjoy your child’s involvement and new interests. Use the relationship as a common ground for communication and get to know your child’s interests, likes, dislikes and friends.

Please note: The opinions expressed in this post are the personal views of the author. They do not necessarily reflect the views of mycity4kids. Any omissions or errors are the author's and mycity4kids does not assume any liability or responsibility for them.