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Shaming Your Children In Public. Why You Shouldnt

Public shaming of children is not a very uncommon sight. All of us have seen children being punished or reprimanded in public places for wrongdoings, or their weaknesses labelled to their names as a joke;I can even recollect my neighbour locking her son outside the house without his clothes as a punishment. The current trends of public shaming are diverse. Some parents are making public examples of their children by giving them old man hair cuts or making them wear signs or t-shirts explaining the wrong they did. One recent parenting trend is using the power of the internet and social media to shame children for behaviour deemed shame-worthy by their parents. YouTube is full of videos of children in punishment being filmed by parents.

It’s understandable that it gets hard on the parent to discipline the child sometimes, making them resort to new disciplining techniques. But do we realize how hard this “disciplining” can get on the child?

No doubt what most parents who inflict shame on their child are trying to do is raise their child’s consciousness of the potential consequences of their actions. In behavioural terms, shaming would be considered an aversive technique.  Basically, the principle is that the shame is a negative consequence of an unwanted behaviour, so then the child avoids doing that behaviour in the future because of the aversive outcome. But the painful feelings that shame unleashes in a young child’s mind are the real problem. Shaming publicly, increasing these problems manifold.

Reprimanding your child in a public setting may promote feelings of shame, rather than guilt, says June Tangney, a clinical psychologist at George Mason University.Shame and guilt are not the same because shame is an emotion that makes you feel bad about yourself; guilt is an emotion that makes you feel bad about something you did. That difference is huge, says Tangney. When people feel ashamed of themselves, they blame other people and are less likely to take responsibility for their actions. Conversely, guilt leads to the notion that, it’s not who you are but what you did that’s a problem. Anytime someone is scolded in public, they feel ashamed and shame makes a person feel diminished, which lowers their confidence to try to make the situation right. People tend to withdraw when they feel ashamed. They’re not focused on learning the right way to go about something but on how to defend themselves. Guilt, on the other hand, can make a person go to great lengths to change, make amends.

In many children, the sheer weight of the feelings of embarrassment can be too heavy and unrelenting. A child doesn’t understand that these feelings will get easier. Public shaming also runs the risk of being far out of proportion with the behaviour you’re trying to stop, and that’s because embarrassment is largely defined by the individual. It’s impossible to externally control it.

Publicly shaming your children is a form of bullying. For some children, bullying doesn’t happen during school hours. It happens at home. The moment you shame your own child is the moment we teach them that it's acceptable to bully another human being.

It may define your child… potentially for life. Your child may have made a bad choice or done something unacceptable, but this isn’t the sum of your child. You know that while she may have done something you don’t like, it doesn’t mean she’s ‘bad’. She’s just learning and we all make mistakes. It’s important that your child knows this. If you publicly shame your child on the internet, especially if that post goes viral, then this will become something that defines your child. Friends, family members and total strangers will remember your child be this one mistake.

So what are some options for discipline that parents can use instead of shame?

• Allow the natural consequences of their actions to manifest, instead of the contrived consequences that occur through shaming. Often, a parent doesn’t even need to do anything. You must only monitor the situation and help your child understand how the unpleasant outcomes are connected to their actions.
• Positive reinforcement of the desirable behaviours may be used. It’s hard, in the heat of the moment, for a parent to stop and focus on other behaviours; however, being able to reinforce those positive behaviours later will have an effect and will pay dividends in the future.
• Parents should not neglect to enforce limits consistently. If your child broke a rule, a negative consequence that is immediate, specific and within the context of the problem is appropriate to undertake. Care must be taken not to overreact out of frustration.
• Take them aside and privately explain that some of their behaviours are concerning, being very specific.With this, you may be able to rock them back on their heels and make them think about how to behave differently next time. Doing this in private is important, because your child needs to be able to hear and consider your words without the fear of “losing face” with their peers, which is another reason why public shaming can backfire badly.
• Insist on apologies and restitution, when appropriate. If your child’s behaviour causes harm or inconvenience to another, then a follow-up apology and restitution should always be implemented. Saying sorry, making it right, forfeiting allowance to repair or replace something, all of these forms of restitution are natural consequences, as well, and can reinforce that this behaviour should not be repeated.

Public shaming must stop as its harmful effects can be long-lasting. It’s a parent’s instinct to want to stop or reverse their child’s bad behaviours. Fortunately, those instincts can be fulfilled in other ways without scarring the child. The benefit is that they don’t carry with them the harmful effects that shaming often has, and the positive aspects will last long into the future. Public shaming will make your child remember not to make that mistake again, because she remembers the embarrassment and feelings of worthlessness induced by it. After all, the child will learn to grow out of misbehaviours with age, however she may never grow out of those unwanted feelings bred by public shaming.

Please note: The opinions expressed in this post are the personal views of the author. They do not necessarily reflect the views of mycity4kids. Any omissions or errors are the author's and mycity4kids does not assume any liability or responsibility for them.