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Commonest mother-in-law problems

In India, marriage is considered to be a sacred bond, the one that not just binds two individuals together but two families. When a man gets married there is no change in his status within the family. The only change is the division of responsibilities between his family and wife. While for a woman she is twice born, she becomes a part of a new family wherein she is expected to adjust to the new environment. The first few months of marriage are filled with new experiences and excitement. However, marriage soon starts to take its toll on the couple. Studies show that three out of four couples experience significant negative experiences leading to conflict with their in-laws. Mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationships is one of the trickiest to manage. From time immemorial, the relationship between a mother-in-law and a daughter-in-law has been unique. It has often been the centre of all jokes. What are the actual causes of this conflict?

Sharing of the son
The relationship between a mother and a son is very close. The possessiveness that the mother-in-law may have about her son is one of the reasons of conflict with the daughter-in-law. Often, when the son gets married the mother tends to feel very insecure and fears he might no longer need her. When she sees her son calling out to his wife to fulfill his every need, it only raises her hackles against her young daughter-in-law. The mother-in-law might start feigning headaches and palpitations every time the young couple goes out leaving her alone at home. In such cases, the mother starts demanding attention from her son and the wife in turn starts pestering her husband for a separate establishment away from the mother. There persists insecurity among the mother-in-law that she will now have to ‘share’ her son with someone new.

Power struggle
After her son’s marriage there is a change in the environment of the house. The kitchen that once belonged solely to the mother-in-law is now shared with the daughter-in-law too. Apart from the kitchen, other activities of the house such as laundry, house décor and so on no longer is managed by her alone. This shift in the environment of the house can cause trouble in relations with the daughter-in-law. Common complaints listed by daughters-in-law about their mothers-in-law include that she is pushy, overbearing, has too much of an influence on her son, but in particular is disrespectful of the boundaries within relationships.  

Role of media
Most of the Indian soap operas and movies show mothers-in-law as ‘vamps’. The media also sometimes plays a role in exaggerating this delicate relationship. Daughter-in-law enters her new life with much apprehension and she sees even an ordinary remark by her mother-in-law in a new dimension. Even hearing her mother-in-law’s footsteps might make her so nervous that she may spill food. This might create a general impression in the mother-in-law’s mind that her daughter-in-law is careless and destructive. Thus sowing the first seed of discontent between them.

Difference in opinion

In-laws usually follow traditional norms and values. They strongly believe in “tried and tested” methods and oppose novel ways of doing things. It is likely they might question their son’s and his wife’s decision at times, such as a vacation with their friends. Often, progressive women have an issue with that.