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The Toxicity Of Gender-Based Gratitude In Relationships

Relationships are beautiful bonds between two people based on love, trust, and respect. While there are no doubts about the feelings of love and trust, the angle of respect has often taken multiple turns, owing to societal norms. For the longest time, we all have been living in a patriarchal society, where men took the decisions and women out of respect had to follow them, whether it be about their own career choices or the clothes they wore. 

This wasn’t only in households where the men were the breadwinners, but also in homes where the women earned as well. In such situations, the women were conditioned to be thankful to their partners for allowing them to work. This led to the emergence of certain gender-related norms where the men were de facto authority figures and women inferiors who at all points required their partner’s permission. This mindset not only existed years ago but even today a lot of men and women are conditioned to behave a certain way and have expectations on similar lines. The year is 2021 and yet 79% of women believe they need their partner’s permission to work. 

Only 28% of these women believe they can choose freely for themselves. The data gathered based on millennial responses to a recent survey goes on to suggest that things that are considered normal, like getting an education, being career-driven, building financial independence, etc., are considered to be a special privilege for women. 

Unfortunately, most of us have witnessed or have even been in relationships like these! But my question to everyone reading this is: When being women we are being raised by our families as equals, then why should our view of ourselves and our decision-making change in a relationship?

What pains me as a therapist at times is that even in 2021, I see very successful women come to me for therapy and share experiences where they are to manage all household chores, after a busy workday as well, while their partners who have been home don’t feel the need to do anything because they are not supposed to. In an already fast-paced life, these factors only add in affecting the mental health of women who are constantly trying to maintain a balance between work and life, ultimately affecting the relationship that they have with their partners. 

In my opinion, one of the major reasons today for the increasing rate of divorce and separation is this: unclear gender roles and expectations which have been prevalent for generations. The fact that women are viewed as more sensitive, emotional, and dependent due to gender-based stereotypes, as well as expectations, is ultimately harmful, causing mental health issues leading to depression and anxiety. Continuing to be subjected to the same on a daily basis will ultimately trickle down to their relationships with family as well as their partners.

While communication is key, in many cases, deep-rooted patriarchy doesn’t help in coming up with a solution. Hence, all these feelings will urge many to withdraw from their partners or one may also start losing patience from the exhaustion and mental burden that they carry within themselves. The best way to make reforms seems to be the deconstruction of barriers around the very mindset in people rather than gender-based barriers around chores or clothes, as the latter is a byproduct of a conglomeration of the former.

In today’s day and age, where women are working as hard as men, maybe harder, and breaking glass ceilings everywhere, it’s time we break these barriers on the relationship level as well. Men and women of today’s generation must redefine their roles in a relationship and start seeing each other as equals. I strongly believe that the day boys start feeling that they don’t need to give permission to their partners to do something and girls stop feeling gratitude for being permitted to do something, relationships will begin flourishing, and people would want to get into relationships as opposed to running away from it.

With dating apps recognizing that young singles are looking for partners who share their interests, values, quirks, and deal-breakers, they are able to create connections of substance. This is where these apps play an instrumental role in facilitating those baby steps that are required to combat the systematized segregation on a personal level as well as by the masses.

Fortunately, we are seeing more people of the millennial generation making an effort to change. 88% of men and 93% of women think that the responsibility of running the home and raising children should be split equally between partners, which is a great kickstart for re-conditioning. Hence, I urge all the ladies to be extremely mindful in choosing their partners and ensuring that they don’t give you ‘permission’ to work, but that you never need to ask for it in the first place. Be the agent of change you wish to see!