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Effects Of Divorce On Children And Adolescents

Divorce is an extremely stressful process for all parties involved. This is especially true for children who go through confusion, sadness and uncertainty when their parents are splitting up. With divorce rates increasing, multiple studies are being conducted that analyse the effects that it has on children and adolescents. Despite the stigma slowly fading, the results of these studies are not positive.

When parents decide to divorce or separate, their child or children are faced with multiple stressful situations that cause them confusion and feelings of anxiousness. They have to cope with many changes like transformation of family setting, loss of or reduced contact with one parents, moving houses, changing schools and variations in standards of living. These changes can be physically and psychologically demanding. By knowing that things are going to be different after a divorce, these anxious feelings can develop into fears.

Adjustment to divorce can take up to two years or even longer and it depends on several factors. The most important factor is the parents’ sensitivity to their child’s needs in facilitating adjustment. Other factors that influence adjustment include child’s age, gender and general temperament.

A pre-schooler’s ability to understand his/her parents’ divorce will be very different from that of an adolescent. The reaction to situations and changes caused by divorce would also be different. These beliefs change over time due to their cognitive maturity and evolving relationships with their parents. Thus, one needs to be aware and sensitive of the developmental differences in their children’s reaction to be able to talk to them and help in their adjustment.

As they have limited cognitive abilities, pre-schoolers are often baffled by their parents’ divorce. They are more at risk of having adjustment problems than an older child as they lack the necessary coping skills to deal with all the changes that come with divorce. Children tend to be egocentric at this age and often blame themselves for the divorce. They also might feel it is their responsibility to bring their parents back together. They tend to be ‘emotionally needy’, have fears related to abandonment and may display acting-out behaviours following the divorce. They are also very likely to become extremely distressed during visit exchanges. 

Children between the ages of 6 to 8 years are less likely to blame themselves for the divorce but they continue to have fantasies about reconciling their parents. They tend to experience intense grief over the loss of not having one of their parents living with them.

Older children, aged 9 to 12 years, better at coping with divorce. They have higher understanding capabilities however they consciously express their disapproval and tend to take the side of one of their parents. They are also more likely to show anger and resentment.

Adolescents show enhanced adjustment as they have the ability to understand and conceptualise their parents’ divorce. However, they are faced with the task of integrating the experience of divorce with their own developing identities.

Boys and girls also react different to their parents’ divorce. Girls tend to become anxious and withdrawn while boys tend to become more aggressive and disobedient. Research also shows that girls from divorced families may become sexually active earlier than girls from intact families. Also, boys often adjust better when their mothers remarry while girls have more difficulty.

Adjustment of children depends on the extent and amount of the ongoing conflict between the parents. The continuing relationship of children with their parents is important for their long-term adjustment. It is also essential to not criticise the other parent in front of the child.

Children from divorced families do best when visits from the non-custodial parent are regular, predictable, and occur in a ‘conflict-free’ setting. This means that the quality of the relationship is more important than the quantity. If frequent contact is occurring in undesirable circumstances, the child is more likely to have adjustment issues. Thus, a child adjustment is best when the custodial parent is warm, understanding, nurturing, and demonstrates good parenting skills. 

A child's adjustment to divorce will be quicker when fewer disruptions are caused by the divorce and when an established routine is achieved. If the child's parents have difficulty coping with stress, the child's adjustment will be at risk, especially if the child has a 'difficult' temperament. A child with such a temperament will have significant problems coping when faced with disruptions in routine and when their parents experience increased stress and demands. These children may become more difficult to manage after the divorce.

In summary, in thinking about the effects of divorce on children it is important to consider factors that facilitate the child's adjustment or makes them vulnerable to the negative effects of divorce. Some things that you can do to enhance a child's adjustment are the following:

(1) Prior to the separation, it may be helpful for both parents to discuss the impending divorce at a level appropriate for the child

(2) Be available to answer questions

(3) Read age appropriate books on divorce with your child

(4) Reassure the child divorce is not his or her fault

(5) Let the child know that you will both continue to love him

(6) Put child's needs first

(7) Do not argue with other parent in front of child

(8) Do not expect your child to meet your emotional needs

(9) Be consistent in your parenting

(10) Make visitations regular and predictable

(11) Let the child know that you will tell other important people in case he or she would like to seek support from these people 

(12) Do not be openly critical of other parent

(13) Do not interrogate child about visits with other parent, and most importantly be sensitive to your child's emotional needs

Please note: The opinions expressed in this post are the personal views of the author. They do not necessarily reflect the views of mycity4kids. Any omissions or errors are the author's and mycity4kids does not assume any liability or responsibility for them.