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4 ways to deal with loneliness in a relationship

One of the chief recommendations of couplehood is supposed to be protection from loneliness. However, this is a fallacy, say relationship counsellors, and instances of a partner in a relationship suffering from acute loneliness isn’t too uncommon. According to Dr Rachna K Singh, head of department, Holistic Medicine and Psychology at Artemis Hospital, Gurgaon, “There is a difference between being lonely and being alone. Being alone is often a voluntary state where you are otherwise fulfilled and want some me-time away from your partner, while loneliness is a helpless feeling of being cast away from the core of the relationship.” It’s accompanied, she observes, with feelings of disappointment and incompleteness. “Repeated episodes of loneliness suggests that there are some serious issues in the relationship.” Here are some mantras to help you through it.

I come first 
How lonely you feel does not only depend on the amount of attention that your partner gives you, but also on how much attention you give yourself. As Dr Singh says, “You should reduce your dependence on your partner for emotional gratification. Go out with your friends, share your feelings with siblings and mingle with a wider circle so that you can make up for his lack of attention.” And while you are at it, introspect a little about what you want from your relationship. Are you lonely because you are seeking something that your partner will never be able to provide? 

There goes my ego 
When you start feeling lonely, you withdraw further into a shell, and that only widens the distance between you two. If you think the relationship is worth salvaging, make an attempt to bridge that distance, even if you think he is in the wrong. Shalmali Chatterjee, 35, publicist, tried this, “There was such a chasm between my husband and me that I dared not approach him for fear of being rebuffed. However, after seeking advice from my counsellor, I decided to make the first move to ease things,” she says. 

“I started off with banal things like asking him about his day at work and even the weather! And he responded. I would sit and watch his favourite shows with him and, eventually, we would get talking. I finally felt the walls melting away when I gave him a warm hug one day as he came back from work.” Also, if you feel that he has been shutting himself away from you because of something you have done, do right by him and apologise. 

Talk, talk, talk 
There’s no getting away from this: if you’re feeling lonely, you need to tell your partner about it. It is possible that he has been busy at work or facing other issues that leave him unable to cope with your emotional demands. Psychologist Guy Finch has been quoted as saying on Psychologytoday.com: “Loneliness also occurs when communication is not open and honest. Maybe your partner doesn’t realise you’re feeling unloved or unsatisfied.” If you find it hard to talk, email or text. Sometimes, it’s easier to be open in writing.

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Work at creating new memories. Dr Singh says, “Loneliness occurs when partners don’t spend enough time with each other or break certain routines like taking a walk or eating dinner together. Suggest a date night, watch a film or plan a holiday—make sure it’s quality time.” Pick things that he enjoys doing too, so you can see things from his perspective.